Return of the Muse

I never would've imagined that Shibari would be one of my paths. I really mean, never.

I look back over the last 4 years in awe, shock, disbelief, amusement.

This rope has completely ensnared me in the most internally revealing and relationally wild experiences I could have ever imagined.

In one of my previous lives I was an artist, a painter for over a decade. Endlessly hours in studio, until the wee hours of the night, burying my secrets into the layers of paint where they could be discovered and seen only by me. While being adored by others. This was my life, this was the future I was planning, artist & painter.

I took off on an adventure through South American, across the USA, and to Israel. Following the guide of my untamed adventure spirit. Breaking myself open, exposing the secrets that lived inside to the lovely souls I travelled alongside. Along the way, creating small journal painting, ruminating on my future artwork.

In an unplanned way, I found myself pregnant in Israel. It wasn't an ideal situation and I chose to have an abortion. It was not an easy path, riddled with shame, fear, and what later became years of pain that would crumble me to the floor. And...from that sterile cold moment in the abortion clinic stirrups, I felt my muse leave me. She was pulled from my body.

My creativity left me. She was no where to be found. Not a line could be drawn. A stoke of paint could come. I was in shock. My imagination was full and now...it was an empty room. I cried as I stared at blank canvases. She didn't speak to me anymore. She was gone.

Year passed, 5 to be exact. Before the consuming power of my creativity came back to me. Many times sitting at the drawing board with mechanical attempts yet no true drive or power of creative forces.

Then I unknowingly stumbled into a Shibari class. Honestly, I had some previous judgments, fears, and disgust around what I thought I knew of the ropes from years before.

Yet, in that moment, I became enthralled. The artistry, sensation, movement, the relational quality, the internal emotional stirrings. Deeper and deeper I found myself going into the rope journey. I by no means had a "plan" of it becoming my work, my path. It was purely intrigue, dedication, passionate obsession. I wanted to know everything about the ropes from all kinds of teachers.

I was so earnestly devoted to the study and practice, every. single. day.

Rope deepened my relationship to my intimacy, my sexuality, my understanding of healing, the body, my creativity, my power, my voice, my comfort zone, my openness to the er0tic currents, understanding of pain, my desire to attain knowledge, to new parts of the world. It's been a journey beyond my wildest imagination.

What I have discovered in the last 4 years, the people I've met, the teachers I've encountered, the creative moments, the intimate tales, the shamanistic shattering. It's a steamy and moody novel for sure!

I want to express my gratitude to be reunited with my creative muse. For trusting her as she lead me through the darkness to another side. For my own willpower and determination to dive into this art. I am forever grateful, beloved muse. You truly have outdone yourself.

Bound & Breaking Walls

Is it possible…

 Is it possible that the rope offers the ability to break down the walls we have inside? To fight against what has gripped us so tightly. To feel the pain we have been pushing aside, covering, and drowning in distractions and addictions.

That when brought to our edge, the layers start to peel back and the emotion and pain comes to the surface. To be exposed, revealed, witnessed. To be raw and to feel it fully. To be held in that space, supported, seen.

That the ropes are a symbol for what binds us and traps us, yet hold the key to setting ourselves free?

When bound, we are completely within ourselves. Feeling our own breath, feeling the twist, turns, and compression of our bodies. Certain sensations of the ropes may bring forth an unease, discomfort, uncertainty, resistance. Similar to the feelings we experience in our day to day lives. Just like: once again stepping into the office job that makes us cringe and become tense and on edge, going home to the partnership that no longer is serving us but staying in it because the fear of leaving it, putting on a smile and everything is good mentality when really it is all falling apart. These situations are also uncomfortable, painful, uneasy, and contracting.

When we are hurting, feeling intensity of emotions, the physical sensations resound in our bodies. To manage these sensations, many of us have learned to protect ourselves from them. In protection, we have a tendency to breathe more shallow, to contract our bodies, to hold our muscles, clench our jaws, our fists, shake our leg nervously. This protection is a resistance to feeling the pain.

Trust me I get it. Who wants to feel pain? The thing is…our resistance to feeling is actually what is causing the pain. When we step away from the word “pain” we will then see that everything is a sensation with varying levels of intensity. Step away from labeling good and bad. They are all sensations. To manage the intensity, it is best to breath, to soften, to relax the body, the neck, the shoulders, the hands, the face. To open yourself to letting the sensation move through you.  When we block ourselves off with resistance and protection, contracting parts of our body, we block oxygen flow to those parts, leading to a stagnation of energy which can lead to yes, pain.

So how to allow ourselves to feel? Really? In the context of the ropes, it is using the breath, relaxing the mind, relaxing each part of the body.  To allow the sensations to impact you.  Notice how they feel, notice the thoughts that come with them, notice everything….then let it go.  See what it is like to release deeper into it.  And ofcouse, and most importantly, if there are sensations/pains that would result in an injury that will impact you well after the session, end it and speak up.  If there is a certain position your shoulder can't go, or a twist of the knee or back, or anything that would damage your body.  Call it, name it, take care of yourself.  I am speaking to sensations that are uncomfortable yet will not cause damage.

Many times the mind is telling us we are in far more danger than we are. Thats is why it is important to slow down and take 3 large breathes into it. Then reassess.  

When I am in the ropes, I am moaning and groaning, humming and purring, crying and cursing, laughing and singing.  Sometimes growling, breathing deeply and sighing.  I am managing my sensations.  I am feeling them and moving them through me.  This is how to can come to pleasure in the ropes because I allow myself to feel it all.  Our ability to let ourselves feel the sensations that are more challenging will also allow ourselves to receive the pleasure of the more delicious sensations.

Take away.  Try it in your day to day life in a moment that is slightly uncomfortable.  Move your body, breath into it, soften yourself.  Imagine the sensation moving through you.  Let it be there.  Move with it.  Then it will change. It will move.  And maybe you will see it turn to pleasure.